


you only need the light when it’s burning low

by darth_stitch



Series: Two Boys from Brooklyn [6]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Count Buckula verse, M/M, Period Typical Homophobia, Pining, Pre-Slash, cross-dressing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-03
Updated: 2014-06-03
Packaged: 2018-02-03 05:50:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1733402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darth_stitch/pseuds/darth_stitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky can’t love him.  Not the way he wants.  But he can have this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you only need the light when it’s burning low

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted at [The Blanket Fort](http://darthstitch.tumblr.com/post/87496147741/you-only-need-the-light-when-its-burning-low-a)

 

Bucky stares at the ceiling in the dark.  
  
But he can’t help but count the soft, wheezy breaths while Steve sleeps by his side.  _Christ, please don’t let him get another cold._   The last winter, with Steve nearly dying of pneumonia, that was bad enough.  And eventually, he can’t resist, curling his larger body around his friend’s  
  
(beloved)  
  
smaller frame, tugging him close, breathing in the scent of his hair and keeping him warm.  Bucky can’t love him.  Not the way he wants.  But he can have this.   
  
It’ll be enough.   
  
***  
  
When he makes his way back home from work, it’s second nature to check the alleys and side streets, see if Steve’s landed himself into trouble again.  And it’s always a good reason, right - always because somebody else is being picked on, someone else is getting grief.  And Steve - he won’t never stand for that, even if he looks like he’ll blow away at the slightest breeze himself.  He’ll plant his feet, raise his fists the way Bucky taught him, land a blow or two, even though he won’t win.   
  
But Steve’s smart and he knows how to use what’s around him and what he’s got.  And today, when Bucky ducks into the seventh alley, he sees his smaller friend land a good one on one of the neighborhood’s resident jerks, Pete Doyle.  Using a trash can lid.   
  
Bucky doesn’t need to do anything else except to run the bully off with a well-placed kick in the ass.   
  
And Steve grins at him, “I had him on the ropes.”  
  
He grins back.  “Just mopping up the mess, as you can see.”  
  
He’ll draw Steve close, sling an arm around him, use that opportunity to make sure Steve’s not hiding any hurts.  If this world they lived in wasn’t so fucked up about a man loving another man, he might have stolen a kiss.  But there’s just too many cards stacked up against Steve; Bucky can’t bear to add one more.  This is good.  What they already have.  
  
It’ll be enough.   
  
***  
  
 _Sweet Jesus Christ_ \- was the first thing Bucky thought when that lovely, little blonde thing he was sweet-talking, the first one who’d actually made him feel a little more than just his normal amount of interest, was _Steve_.  
  
"What the - what the actual fuck are you doing in a dress - all dolled up?"  Bucky splutters.   
  
Steve drops the sweeter, lighter voice he’s been affecting since Jilly left him with Bucky with nothing more than a _Keep him outta trouble, hun, there’s a love._  
  
"They got wind that Penny’s was gonna be raided.  Jilly figured we’d sneak out and duck the cops dressed as actual dames."  
  
"And what the hell were you doing at Penny’s?" Bucky hissed.  "I thought I told you to keep outta trouble - you know how the cops are gonna take one look at you and think you’re a fairy too."  
  
Steve snorted.  “Like you wouldn’t walk Jilly over there yourself to keep her safe.”  
  
Well, yeah, this was true.  Steve and Bucky lived in a neighborhood where a lot of the “artistic, bohemian set” hung out.  Neither of them had anything against queers - if anything, their main problem was with the jerks who didn’t keep their noses out of people’s business, who weren’t hurting nobody anyway, against the law or not.  Jilly was their neighbor and a friend to boot.   
  
And Steve’s continuing to talk.  “And here I thought you were just chatting me up ‘cause you were playin’ along, Buck.”  The blue eyes lit with delight and more than a bit of mischief.  “Didya really think I was a dame, Buck?”  
  
"You’re a goddamned punk in a dress, is what you are," Bucky grumbled.   
  
"You got something against a fella in a dress?"  
  
Bucky snorted.  “What I got a beef with is you making me drop dead of heart trouble before I hit my thirties.  Jesus, Stevie.” And then, because he needs to do something to keep from Steve cottoning on that he’s completely and utterly discombobulated by the pretty sight he makes in skirts and _sweet God in Heaven_ - _make-up_ , Bucky puts on his trademark charming smile.  “May I have this dance, Miss Rogers?”  
  
Steve slants him a sweet smile of his own.  “Certainly, Mister Barnes.”  
  
And Bucky’s thinking, as he leads Steve to the dance floor, holds him as close as he dares, swaying to the music.  Bucky’s thinking, _Christ, if you were a girl, I’d marry you, Steve Rogers._   And shortly after, he amends that thought.  If the state of New York declared tomorrow that men could marry other men and women could marry other women, he’d get down on one knee and offer his mother’s ring, which he knew would fit Steve’s slender fingers anyway.  He’d marry Steve Rogers and call him husband and that would be everything.  
  
But he can’t.  And he needs to let Steve go, in this way, let him free, be his friend and nothing more.   
  
He’ll have this dance though.  And he can still come home to Steve, for however long the two of them would be living together as bachelors.  And the nights they share a bed for warmth, because Steve can’t get cold and truth be told, it’s a comfort for them both.   
  
It’ll be enough.  Please, God, let it be enough.    
  


\- end -

**Author's Note:**

>  **Note:** The title comes from the song “Let Her Go.”  Birdy’s cover of the Passenger song made me realize _this_ was definitely a Stucky song. And yeah, this is the “Steve in a Dress” story.  Sorry, Bucky Muse.


End file.
